plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
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I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
the noise i just made
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*