A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
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As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,