I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
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me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I’m giving up for Lent.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose