My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
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INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
The Others (2001)
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what