My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
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[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.