If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
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This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog