6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
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Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
our love story in four pictures
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.