It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
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Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I would like even faster food.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.