Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
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Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?