Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
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“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.