me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
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My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
How times have changed.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.