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If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Weighing up my bread heating options
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
What even happened today?
Lmbo
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*