to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
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My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Stop.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
new wife guy just dropped
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money