nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
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I don’t know what to do
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*