That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
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If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher