Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
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I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.