all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
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I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
*sewing*
A thread
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.