There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
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The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes