wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
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[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Bless you
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain