*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
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the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Tell me you get it…🤣
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]