Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
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THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
The Others (2001)