[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
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An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
$4 #usedbooks
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.