Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
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How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..