[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
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when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it