*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
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Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.