Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
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Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Saw your ex at the shops
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.