*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
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Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Wednesday
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch