Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
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I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
how to market bottled water to dads
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother