It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
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no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
jesus, what did this guy do
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Somebody’s lying.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*