Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
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First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
“OMGJK” -atheists
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.