[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
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Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We鈥檙e gonna be the only family up there cause I鈥檓 looking after the joint.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I don鈥檛 think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
#ProTip
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 馃憤
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 馃槀馃槀馃槀
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection