Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
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The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.