Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
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My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?