When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
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Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.