Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
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one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!