Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
You Might Also Like
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Netflix: We have Less
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
My neck, my back, my…
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene