Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
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Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
can’t catch a break
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
#polloftheday
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL