I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
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Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.