My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
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The cashier just checked me out.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
He is just living hist best little life 😊
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
no their not
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty