Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
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[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
May your day taste like creamy soup.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.