[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
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Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.