Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
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It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit