Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
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If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.