First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
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In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.