Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
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All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Can Happiness buy money?
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.