Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
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Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Employees must applaud the planets.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
lol
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly