I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
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Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
im 7 sauces long
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.