My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
#merica
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.