Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
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[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.