OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
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Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”